Russian squirrel pack ‘kills dog’

Local people suggest hunger is driving squirrels to extremes

Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report. Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute.

They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh.

A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.

The attack was reported in parkland in the centre of Lazo, a village in the Maritime Territory, and was witnessed by three local people.

A “big” stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say.

“They literally gutted the dog,” local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper.

“When they saw the men, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them.”

Mikhail Tiyunov, a scientist in the region, said it was the first he had ever heard of such an attack.

While squirrels without sources of protein might attack birds’ nests, he said, the idea of them chewing a dog to death was “absurd”.

“If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests,” he added.

Komosmolskaya Pravda notes that in a previous incident this autumn chipmunks terrorised cats in a part of the territory.

A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been “no pine cones at all” in the local forests this year.

“The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat,” he added.

From Fox News:

Squirrel Attacks 3 in German Town, Finished off by Victim

BERLIN — An unusually aggressive squirrel attacked three people in a German town before its last victim finished it off with a crutch, police said Wednesday.

The rodent jumped through a living-room window in Passau, on the Austrian border, on Tuesday and bit its first victim. With the squirrel hanging on by its teeth, the woman ran out into the street, where she managed to shake the animal off.

The squirrel then bit a builder before fleeing into a nearby garden, where it bit a 72-year-old man who eventually killed it with his crutch, police said.

The dead animal was to be tested for rabies.

The Squirrels Even Hate Children!

FROM NBC:

Squirrels Go On Attack At South Bay Park

“MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — An aggressive squirrel pounced on a 4-year-old boy in an attack last week in Cuesta Park in Mountain View, Calif.

The attack happened as the boy’s mother unwrapped a muffin during a picnic.

SLIDESHOW: Squirrel Attacks Child

The boy had to get rabies shot after the attack. He is still getting the shots.

The attack is not the first one reported at the park. Mountain View Community Services Director David Muela said that as many as six people have been bitten or scratched by squirrels since May, and that the attacks have become more ferocious in the last month.”

Squirrels are also linked to the PLAGUE:

From Harvard’s Medical School:

In the United States, plague usually is transmitted in one of four ways:

• Contact with infected wild rodents, especially ground squirrels, rock squirrels, prairie dogs or chipmunks
• Contact with carnivores (especially pet cats) that eat these wild rodents
• The bite of a flea that lives on one of these animals
• Scratches or bites from infected pet cats

What can we do about the killing machines?

President Candidates Vow to Take Back the Trees in Election ’08!

“ Patriots are you sick of governments run by skwerls for skwerls? Do you think it’s time to crack some nuts and take back the trees? Well, so do millions of others in this country and around the world.

The problem is, the bushytail horde has a stranglehold on the politcal process and their influence infects the highest levels of government, including the American presidency.

It’s not that all our presidents have been unabashed skwerlhuggers… “

For more information, see the post about squirrel fishing.

  “Hippies.They’re everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.”

  “Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.”

  “Drugs are bad because if you do drugs you’re a hippie and hippies suck.”

  “I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about “protectin’ the earth” and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets – I hate ‘em! I wanna kick ‘em in the nuts!”

  “Only three more hours, sea people. Only three more hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamn planet full of hippies.”

~ Eric Cartman

            I don’t hate all hippies, I just believe that defense tactics against a level four drum circle are as amusing as the zombie defense strategies. Here are a few nonviolent tactics to hippie free your home:

SCISSORS: Of course, not to injure the hippie, but to simply cut off their dreadlocks. This will likely result in psychological stress that will turn them . . . normal.

SOAP ON A ROPE: Incase that drum circle envelopes you, always keep soap on a rope in handy. This will keep a 4 ft radius between you and the hippies.

TICKS: Self explanatory, hippie hair is a great playground.

            Always remember, hippies, no matter how hippiesh they seem, are nothing more than distasteful rich kids that are revolting from the way their parents raised them. They can also be dangerous:

 Hippies trying to blow up a propane tank:

Hippies make the news,

Tommy Chong on the Colbert Report, the new Paris Hilton Expert:

Which is why Jimmy Kimmel puts him in his place:

Hooray for nerds.

Reyshawn Dunks on Brackman

Quickest Soccer Goal in NCAA History Against Yale

The Marvin Put-Back (Loudest the Dean Dome has been since I’ve been here)

2006 UNC Baseball at World Series

The Connor Field Goal

The TA Fumble

The Women’s Bball Team (And Ivory)- Great DTH Video

The 2005 One Shining Moment Video

The Jordan Jumper

The Jordan XXI Commercial

Life’s Short, Love ‘Sheed

Julius Peppers via Ronald Curry (Both NFL Beasts)

The Webber Time Out

The plan calls for a national zombie defense plan to protect our American citizens against the “eminent” threat. “Zombies exist and we must go after them now before they come for us” proclaimed the former first lady amidst hundreds of cat stroking middle aged women. “If you love your brains, children and America, you will support this plan. The Republicans have had their eyes set on terrorist since day one. Where will they be once the zombies eat their eyes!” When asked about what steps opponent Barack Obama has taken to zombie-proof our beloved country, Clinton hinted at his zombie like exterior and that he is “skinnier than Nicole Richie two weeks after Paris blasts her about her weight.”

Barack commented in a follow up interview he is not of the living dead and noted John Edward’s droning zombie-like personality.

The zombie hunt is in full force and Clinton vows that if elected she will utilize all military personnel stationed in Iraq to protect the United States from day-walkers. Though Clinton’s zombie defense plan calls for the use of guns and bombs, a recent Thrillsonthehill poll found the majority of citizens prefer to slay zombies with a pneumatic nail gun. Clinton acknowledged this advice and vowed to make this military standard issue so Americans can rejoice in re-death by nails on a frequent basis.

Squirrel Fishing 101:

Squirrels: nature’s proof that fluffy tails can make a rodent cute. That’s right, the grey (and sometimes brown) animals we all adore are no more than rats in the eyes of our favorite biology professors. But we say “screw that” because let’s face it; they’re more adorable than Mean Girls-era-Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears circa HAIR. It’s amazing what losing 30 pounds and your head of hair will do for your hotness factor, which is why squirrels stay fat and hairy.

A problem we have come across lately is the sport of squirrel hunting. There is no need to punish anything just out to get a nut, I mean what have squirrels done to deserve being shot at? Absolutely nothing, except being delightful as they frolic through the magic of school quads, front yards, power lines and trash cans. Environmental groups around the world have neglected this charming species of rat too long, so we decided to introduce a new sport to counter the killings in the squirrel hunting community: squirrel fishing.

You see, squirrels are rascally little creatures and like Easy E, they just want that nut. So first, get a peanut (or maybe a cashew) . . . unsalted because squirrels have high blood pressure and are watchful of their squirrelly health. After you have that nut, tie some fishing line around it and secure it tightly, your journey is about to begin.

 Then you take your strung up peanut (or cashew if you prefer) and dangle it over a branch. Make sure the squirrel wants that nut as much Eric Cartman would like to cut off Carrot Top’s hair. F*cking gingers, squirrels hate them too.

After the squirrel prances of to your dangling jewel, it is sure to grip on. Here’s where the fun starts! You can squirrel fish by one of two rules: hang time or total air. When playing by hang time, when the squirrel latches on to the nut, you pull the string. A friend times how long the squirrel stays airborne and the winner is simply the squirrel fisher with the highest time. When playing by total air, you jerk and see how high the squirrel can fly. No worries, squirrels resemble cats which mean they are sure to land on their feet. The highest flying squirrel wins the competition. That’s the game; it’s simple and a lot more humane than squirrel slaying with a pellet gun.

Disclaimer: We do not support harming squirrels in any way, so if you do squirrel fish by air, we suggest you use a net to catch them.

Optimistic scientists countered global warming Chicken Littles with a stunning announcement: the beaches are getting closer. No longer will Chapel Hill residents have to drive hours and hours simply to take a dip in the Atlantic. Within a matter of years, the scientists report, Chapel Hill may be a mere stone’s throw from the coast, welcome news to local beach-goers.

“I’m really stoked,” said one surfer, eager to hit the waves somewhere over Wake County. “I pretty much quit surfing when I came to school since it’s such a hassle to drive all the way to Cape Hatteras. Soon I’ll just go down the street!”

The news also perked the ears of several real estate developers, who are busy gobbling up beach-front property in such buzzing locales asHillsborough Bay. “For us, it’s just about being optimistic,” one Raleigh resident said. “I’m going to open up a seafood restaurant, you know, maybe one of those Sea-Doo rentals. Looking into getting one of those ice cream stands you hitch on the back of a bike. Just the tip of the iceberg, really.” He added that this particular iceberg hosted a family of drowning, cannibalistic polar bears and was quickly disappearing.

Not everyone welcomes the news, however. Specifically, residents of every town east of Raleigh greet the report with unease. “You mean, we’ll all be underwater?” asked one farmer near Elizabeth City. “Like Atlantis?”

This revelation led to a day-long celebration in Elizabeth City herself, where cows were fitted with snorkels and paraded through the city. Optimistically, BradleyFitzMatherson, the mayor of Elizabeth City, remarked to the crowd, “We’ve brought in plastic surgeons, who are already preparing a plan on how they might give the children gills.

The scientists cautioned, however, that the reports were based primarily on hours playing with Google Earth and what they could remember from Waterworld. One scientist said, “I wouldn’t go buy extra floaties just yet.”

This is Will in a cow costume. Photoshopped snorkel coming soon!

Just a note: for any students trying to plan a creative or fun outing, go to a Nascar race. Seriously, you won’t regret it.

Also, we’ve coined a term known as “Race Hott”- noun – anything a man or woman wears that is deemed unacceptable in regular society (i.e. cut off jorts, flannel, tube tops, mullets) is considered hott at the race. It’s the law. See below.

My bud sporting race hott attire.

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You have to love tube tops. Race Hott.